Sunday, March 30, 2014

For a Mother on Her Birthday

So I logged in to Facebook last week and found my sister had written a birthday note for our mum.

A Note of Gratitude to Mama

I cannot thank God enough for having you in my life. Never have I seen anyone still love and tolerate me even when you felt like roasting me for dinner :-P

You have taught me all the lessons I now know that have kept me as a daughter you take pride in and I stand confident before God and men with gratitude to you. I take pride and confidence in the greatest lesson of all: God, since He is the foundation and fortress behind who I am and upon whom I stand.

The times I felt crushed and broken by life's happenings, I ran to you, sometimes with tears and you were and are always there to listen, encourage, advise and pray.

You helped me stick to what I believe in and helped me keep my head up high even when others around tried to drag me down.

I attribute who I am today to you and the God you taught me to lean on and trust in first.

I am yet to see a woman stronger than you in any aspect and I take pride in being 'militant like my mother' :-P since because of that I have been able to face life head-on and still afford a smile amidst the storms of life.

A mother to many, my strength, my confidant, my hero, my best friend, my mother! I love you soooooo much ma', God bless and provide for you in abundance. And on this special day......

It's beautiful; really really beautiful! I not being one to be left behind decided to write one too.

Ah mother, (because Dear is too mainstream)
What is there really to say that I haven't said to you before? I mean for me, you're the rock in my life: unchanging, unflinching and solid, grounding me to reality. To me you are the great I am. If not for you I'd be without faith or purpose, rudderless, drifting through life without a goal. I almost worship you as a goddess.

You always complain that I never notice anything different about you: when you change your hair or lose weight or even change clothes; but that's because for me you'll always look the same my entire life: beautiful and radiant. To me, you are just as young and beautiful as you were when I was a baby.

All the ladies that love me, have loved me and will ever love me have you to thank for my gentlemanly nature. You've taught me what honour and discipline are and how a woman deserves to be treated. As you can imagine I'm particularly thankful for this.

You and I may not always agree, though I give you a lot less stress than the others Dee, you always listen to me patiently and try to make me see your side of anything.

This feels so pitiful compared to what Dee wrote and words seem empty when trying to describe what you mean to me but I hope you can feel the emotion behind them.
And yes I still remember I owe you a pair of diamond soled sandals. I always try to keep my promises, yet another value you put in me. I love you above all other women (but not girls ;)) in the world.

Happy birthday mother!

I love you.


Sunday, March 16, 2014

The Pressures of Event Organising
Every time before an event I'm organising goes down, I get this sick apprehensive feeling in my chest, a tightening that makes my heart speed up just a tad as if my heart had less space in which to operate and had to compensate just to get the same amount of blood flowing.

The thing with an event in which you're charging people entrance for is whether it'll be worth it for the people who are attending. I'm one of those people who believes in making their own fun, but I recognise that it's not that way for a lot of people. Then need a crowd of people having fun for them to get into the mood and loosen up. They're the type of people who agitate their friends to leave clubs and parties simply because they look empty, never mind they just came in with a bunch of their own friends and the music is kicking. I call them dampeners.

These are the people who I worry most about at an event, they're the one who start mumbling under their breath's about something being boring. They're the first to start talking while someone performs. They mess up the chi of events, ruining it for other people.

How do you deal with people like this? You don't. Not directly anyway. You have to make sure you have as many as people, who like me, are willing to see the fun in an event and are determined to have a good time. Luckily, I know a few of these people and they'll be coming to my event. Hopeful their energy, and mine, will be enough to overwhelm the dampeners and make the event great for the rest of the normal people who come. Peace!!!

Saturday, March 15, 2014

So You Got Pregnant... in Campus...


I am someone who holds very strong opinions on many subjects, but with even those strong opinions I'm still willing to hear the other side of the argument and consider it in light of my own views. But there's one topic that I come down very hard on and won't even consider the views of anyone else no matter what they say or who they are; that is getting pregnant in university.

University is supposed to be the time of exploration and discovery. You're supposed to making friends and having those experiences you'll look fondly on the rest of your life. You're to discover who you are and the type of person you want to be.

And this is all ruined by pregnancy.

Every one of my friends who has gotten pregnant or had a friend of theirs get pregnant knows that I'll react to that news in one way, "That's so stupid" I mean come on! Who, despite how ever much they love a boy, or want to have kids, comes to campus with the plan to get pregnant?

All the options that you have to prevent such a situation from happening starting from condoms all the way up to abortion (illegal in Kenya, not that that's ever stopped anyone, and definitely not for everyone) all failed? Really that's what you want to tell me?

Condoms are statistically 99.999% effective in protection against STIs and STDs and as a family planning method *read avoiding babies*. I don't know what kind of sperm you need to get past that 99.999% but I'd like to imagine that happens when the condom bursts. This means that if you bring me that bullshit argument of "What if the condom bursts?" you're trying to say that you're one in 100000. Give me a break. In fact some cursory research (Google hehe) suggests that most condoms break due to poor use and other facts such as expiry (talking of dry spells) or exposure to heat (usually from sitting in your wallet for too long, still on that dry spell kick). So as a Public Service Announcement feel free to go here to learn about safe use of condoms.

Careless and reckless! Those are the words that come to mind when someone tells me they got pregnant because in every case, EVERY CASE, it was what happened. Never heard of a condom bursting yet. People, usually the ladies, were hoodwinked into believing this concept called safe days, told that they'll be able to get E-pills the next day. One that I heard today was condoms are unable to break the hymen so the first time has to be raw. Another case in point is that condoms don't feel as good as the real thing (probably true but not worth the risk), "I'll cum outside" or, my favourite of the list, "Just the tip" (Yeah because dicks have shoulders that will prevent full entry). All of those are just careless and you almost deserve to get pregnant if you believe them. Careless also includes those who want to trick their partners into marriage or staying with them. The reckless comes down to this; you want to have sex and you don't care about the details. Both just say stupid to me.

Are there exceptions to my harsh judgement? Yeah, if you're the one in a hundred thousand, if you're in 4th year, second semester because you're about to get into the labour market and therefore be able to take care of your kid and finally if you're married (had a roommate who was married when he was in 1st and I was in 3rd O_o).

Please, please, please people of the internet, if you learn one thing from this humble blog of mine, learn how to use a condom and use it every time you have sex particularly if you're in campus. Peace!!!

Being in Your Twenties

I found this post floating about on my facebook and thought I'd share it with you guys because a lot of what's said I've felt and still feel.

It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like.You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close
to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you don't recognize is that they are realizing that too, and aren't really cold, catty, mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.

You look at your job... and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are
looking for a job and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you.

Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn't.

One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better. Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you're doing this because you know that you aren't a bad person.

You want to settle down for good because now all of a sudden that becomes top priority. Getting
wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic.You begin to think a companion for life is better than a
hundred in the shack and for once you would not mind standing tall for that special someone which otherwise
you had never thought of until now.

You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself... and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!

What you may not realize is that every one reading this relates to it.We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out. Pass this along to your twenty-something friends.... maybe it will help someone feel like they aren't alone in their state of confusion...

We call it the "Quarter-life Crisis".

Thursday, March 13, 2014

Getting Laid in Campus

I have a rather varied sexual life. I've done the experimental, the crazy and the bizarre. I've been accused of breaking my friend's bed (I still call BS on this one, it just came up broken after I used it) and I've cockblocked people and been cockblocked. I can't say I've done it all but I've done a lot, some of which I think back and just go, "The thirst y'all, the thirst".

Anyway, sometime back a friend of mine was complaining of a rather torturous night she had when she had an old flame stay over. The dude wanted to hit it and he didn't have a rubber… Idiot! The whole night was spent swatting away his hands like a persistent fly. At some point she left him on the bottom bunk and went to the top and he... wait for it... follows her there!!! Talk about tenacity. She might have let him hit it if he had a rubber but otherwise she wasn't having it. Good for her!!! This story got us both thinking of the various tactics people use to get laid in campus and we both, with much laughter, reduced every method down to one of following:

The Movie

"Hey want to come over and a catch a movie Friday/Saturday night?" This, I feel, is the most used one in my school. You invite a girl over for a movie; make sure it runs late and pray to your God that she doesn't decide to head back to her room. This is especially effective if you leave on the other side of campus from her or one of the remote dwellings off campus. In fact I'd wager that over 90% of all movie watching requests from dudes to girls in campus are just attempts to get laid or build an amount of comfort in one's presence for it to happen one day. This is how it usually goes down:

Boy: Hey. How you doing? What you up to this Friday? (Has to be a day that she has no early morning things to do therefore the weekend is a safe bet for a student. The greeting is just politeness)

Girl: I'm good. It's been a long day. Friday? I have class all day until 5 then FREEDOM!!

Boy: You want to come catch a movie? I have *insert movie title here*

Girl: Sure. What time do you want me to come by? (Hope)

Boy: Come around 8:30, after supper.

Girl: Okay, I'll be there.

Boy: Nice, see you then.
Boy: (10 minutes later) Will you sleep over?

Now that very last line is the real clincher there, only for the very brave because it immediately reveals your intentions – you know, if the girl has half a brain. This question is actually saying one thing, "Do you want to fuck?" Well perhaps not so crudely said but he is asking for sex.

Anyway, during the movie hands will roam and hopefully lead to exciting stuff. I suggest picking a movie with as many sexual overtures as possible. There's a series that a girl friend of mine says this of, "Why spend an hour pepeta'ing the jiko (fanning the flames) when you can pop in *the series* and be ready in 5 minutes?" She's right, I've used it before ;). If you want the name of the series feel free to email me.

I remember this girl I was having a thing with, not dating, and I told her I was having some friends over for a movie. She asked who and I told her two girls from class. It was something that we had had going weekly long before I meet this girl. She seemed cool with it but then in the middle of our movie my door swings forward with so much force I thought it had been kicked in by the police. There she was standing, looking like she expected to find me in the middle of a threesome (not had one yet but I hold out hope still). I was livid.

The New Music

This next one is a variation of the first one, it's "Hey, I've got this new album from *artist/band name* come over we listen to it." This is one of my personal favourites, tell you why in a bit. Same basic sequence as with a movie, but better. With a movie she can always pretend that she's paying attention to it and doesn't want to be interrupted, but with music you're already talking (because no one just listens to the music) and therefore her face and stuff are facing you already so it's easier to initiate things without that flimsy excuse. Of course she could get up and leave but hey, no guts no glory. This one has been pulled on me. A girl had me come over to listen to a rock album, she turned out to be terrible at several things but that's a story for another day.

The Club

There's one that is almost as popular as the movie one; asking a girl to go clubbing with you. This is good because it allows you to show her a good time and just how awesome you are to be around. It helps that she'll be grinding against you all night and you have a good excuse to have your hand all over her body. Alcohol, if she drinks, will lower her inhibitions. I personally don't like this one too much because of the alcohol part, I'm never sure if she would be me with otherwise and I like know she want this as much as me. Also there's the fact that it kinda feels rapey and if she's really drunk it is rape. As with every one of these methods so far I've done this one, she wasn't drunk and it was on this occasion I was accused of breaking a bed the next day (Just to be clear I'm still denying this).

The Cut to the Chase

This one is one that takes a large set of balls. It almost rarely works with someone you're not already sleeping with. Here is a conversation I've had before:

Me: I'm horny.
Her: I'm a little occupied with my friends.
Me: Okay cool.
Her: (10 minutes later) I'm on my way to my room, meet me there.

I like this one because there's no pretence and you know exactly what you're both there for and don't have to waste time on preliminaries. And just to be clear by preliminaries I'm not talking about foreplay which is really essential, just the other stuff mentioned before.

The Dinner
One that has come to my attention recently but isn't on versions of this article elsewhere on the interwebs is inviting a girl over for supper. The trick here is to start cooking late so that she's at your place rather late after being overwhelmed by your awesome cooking skills, while you eat you step up an awesome series. Why a series? Because it'll already be late and you want to give her justification for staying over. Feeding her puts her in a really comfortable mood. Unfortunately, I've never experienced this one because I only ever stayed in a place I could cook in 2nd year and I had a girlfriend then but that doesn't mean I don't have a personal story.

I was in second year and I was at my friend's place in the evening before I had to my place to cook. She mentioned that she was going to be really late coming from some meeting and she wasn't sure if she'd find any of the cafes in school open and so I did the gentle manly thing and told her that I'd cook enough for the both of us and when she got back she'd find her food ready. I cooked rice, potatoes and carrots (with a secret recipe of course). I didn't wait for her to be done with her meeting and ate alone. And kept her food heated. She came like 3 hours later looking for her food, which I served her, shirtless for some reason (I'm incredibly comfortable with my naked body, but I can't really think of a good reason I had no shirt on). She liked it, a lot. "I like it when your abs are defined enough to look like this," she said running her hand down my abs. "It's really sexy!" Looking back I wonder if I missed a signal there.

The Divinely Sanctioned

The last one I'll mention was brought to my attention by someone in my creative club when I told this story (because I'm a storyteller now). I call this one Divinely sanctioned. When the girl is at your place she gets stuck there because of naturally causes, here in Africa it's just rain, but I imagine elsewhere snow could also be a reason. You take advantage of the cold and darkening sky (there's something about the dark, right?) and initiate something. Clearly God wanted you to get laid because why'd he trap a beautiful girl in your room right?

These are the main methods I'm aware of, I like to think all others are just variations but if there's one you feel I've missed feel free to mention it in the comments. To cap this off I leave you with a picture of a poster that's outside my door and the warning to rubber it up, stay sure, safe. Anyone who wants to have unprotected sex is more than just careless, they're dangerous. Wrap it up. Peace!!!