Wednesday, April 6, 2011

What women want

“Sidney, why do you think a girl would fall bad boys?” she asked me as I escorted her back to her room at midnight. I won’t go immediately into what I told her or how that conversation went but I feel that question is the perfect way to begin this topic. It’ll make sense in a minute.
I was having an argument with one of my friends a couple of weeks back that started with her complaining of her ex-boyfriend. She was complaining of how he forgot her birthday. Apparently on her birthday he had to go to Kisumu to see his mum who was feeling unwell. Her problem with this is that he didn’t think to even call her to wish her happy birthday. He didn’t get a gift or anything and when she called him the next day he said, “I didn’t call because you expected me to”. This wasn’t the only thing he’s done wrong but I don’t really want to go into all that. The reason I’m mentioning all this is to point to what women want.

I asked a couple of my girl friends what they would consider the perfect boyfriend. One called Emily said, “My ideal boyfriend would be one how would be one who cares about my feelings, thoughts and what I hold dear. Understanding, one who includes me in his life, listens and respects my beliefs. One I don’t have to beg so that he can spend time with me. A fun person”

What ladies don’t realize that don’t really want the perfect boyfriend, the ever thoughtful dude, and gentleman and never forgets anything. What they want is someone who will mistreat them a little. I’m not talking of out-right physical or verbal abuse, I talking about forgetting to call, a little rude to them and maybe even cold and distance. Like said nice guys finish last all the time when it comes to women. It’s a universal fact.
When he includes you in his life, you’ll find the girl complaining something like,”He’s smothering me, I need space to breathe!!” When he cares about want you think and feel you begin to hear, “He’s such a push-over, he can’t seem to hold an opinion of his own” and so on blah blah blah.

Look at something I saw in a paper once:
Hi,
This movie is awesome, everyone should watch it.
I’m a 34 year old women married woman. I’ve been married for 5 years and have a two year old daughter. I have a problem. My husband is almost perfect; he comes home immediately after work every day and never stay out too late during the weekend. He brings home his check each month so we can plan and budget with it. My problem with him is that the sparks in the bedroom are gone, he just doesn’t please me as he used to, and it’s been over a year since he properly satisfied me. It’s getting so bad I’m thinking of cheating on him. Please help me, because I love my husband and don’t want to hurt him but temptation grows by the day.
Thanks,
Unsatisfied.

Now I ask you, how does one help a lady like this? I mean really? Even I’m not that perfect, and I consider myself to be the perfect gentleman. What does this woman want? Does she realize that the problem may just be her; I mean the dude doesn’t seem to be complaining. In the comments section she had a bunch of replies asking her what’s wrong with her but I’m sure most of those women if in the same position would still find something wrong with him before long.

What am I saying women may know what they want from their perfect man physically (tall, athletic, good looking), mentally (must have a masters, this level in such a company) and materially(car, house, money) but they have no clue what they want from him emotionally or rather they never think about it apart of course he needs to be funny. Really, that’s why women stick with men who physically and emotionally abuse them.
This answers the question my friend posed to me; girls just dig bad boys because they want to be a little mistreated. At least when they realize this they can really begin to examine their potential boyfriends knowing what to look for and what to avoid. I think this is why mothers always tell their daughters not to make the same mistakes they made and what exactly to look for in a man.

So what is in store for the good guys? Well, there’s always the best friend position. She wants to keep you close enough to keep treating her right, holding the door for her, remembering the birthdays and anniversaries but you’ll never be her boyfriend. This is the sad truth, don’t you think? Let me know in the comments. Peace!

9 comments:

  1. You're over-generalizing a bit here :-) It's not like the only options for a guy are "perfect gentleman, thus boring" and "bad guy". You make a good point when you say that women don't really know what they want from a guy, but I think it's very, very inaccurate to say women want to be mistreated. They don't. Oh no, they don't.

    Some women like "bad guys" (meaning adventurous, exciting guys) because, well, they're adventurous and exciting, thus fun to be around. And if the guy is very successful with the ladies and doesn't have a track record as a committed guy, they hope they can be the one to make this guy change. Silly, but true. But remember that not all women are like that.

    What Emily said is, I think, quite true of many women - this is what my female friends want their ideal boyfriend to be like. And it's possible to be a guy like that without being a push-over, it's possible to be thoughtful without being boring. And it's possible to be a fun and exciting guy to be with without being a jerk. Life is not black and white, and people are not either. It's possible to be a bit of both - fun and thoughtful, a bit of a gentleman and a bit adventurous too. And not all guys are the same, and not all women want the same in a guy, also. Maybe guys should stop wondering what "women" in general want, and focus on what the specific woman they are after wants. We're not all the same, you know :-)

    Yes, there are stupid women, like the one from the paper who expected her husband to be perfect in all ways and wasn't even able to try to put more spice in their sex life herself when she found it lacking. But, once again, we're not all like that. I agree with you that many women don't know what they really look for in a guy, and care about stupid things like education level and money instead of emotional compatibility which, I think, should be more important. It's silly of them, I agree. But I'd be curious to know what men are looking for in a woman. All I ever hear about is how good-looking and sexy she must be - is that the only thing they care about? I'm not having a go at men here, I'm just sincerely curious to know what men want. And I'm sure that not all men have the same criteria either, just like not all women want the same thing in a man.

    Now, why do women stick with guys who abuse them? One reason: low self-esteem. Women who stay in abusive relationships usually think that it's either that or be alone, and many women can't bear to be alone. They don't want to be alone, and they don't think they deserve a better guy, or they don't think they will ever get a better guy. So they stay with the one guy who wants them, even if he doesn't treat them right. Sad, but true. Often, too, they just can't leave, or don't dare - they have never worked in their life, or don't earn enough to support themselves, or they have children and fear they won't get custody of the kids if they leave... lots of reasons. But not that they like it. Never that they like it.

    Please, please, don't keep this mistaken belief that women want to be a little mistreated. It made me really sad to read that, especially from you.

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  2. Dreams do come true in New Orleans

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  3. Also, I've just thought of something regarding your last paragraph. Several girls I know consider that their boyfriend is also their best friend. I'm talking long-term, committed boyfriend here, not boyfriend-of-the-month. In fact, the guy was one of their friends before, and it's because they got to know him well when they were friends that they decided he was boyfriend material.

    So I don't think that being a nice guy means you'll get stuck being the best friend. It's possible to go from best friend to boyfriend - if what you're after is a long-term, committed relationship with that girl. If what you want is just to go out with her for a few weeks, then it's probably not worth risking the friendship.

    This post is seriously bitter - did something happen? Did a girl reject you saying that she "only likes you as a friend"?

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  4. Sgyreju Wooww!!! YOu've really ripped into me! Damn! I'm even beginning to doubt my hypothesis. I never said that there only two options, in fact I said that to get the girls a perfect balance is needed between bad boy and gentleman. Like you said life isn't black and white. Even me, whom I consider the perfect gentleman, I can such a jackass sometimes. I know this coz my friends tell me and i know myself.
    As for the last paragraph I should probably have clarified that that was for girls my age. I think, and I'm just guessing here that old more mature girls realise what they have right in front of them.
    Lastly I've had several girls tell me that they just want to be friends, but that's not what made me write this. Its something I've been considering for a while because of what some of my girl friends have been telling me.
    Thank for commenting it kinda made me see things in a very different light. I still stick to my observations.:-P

    Anon- Huh?

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  5. "Dr.Phil" i don't like to be smothered but that does not mean i want a bad boy who make me feel like he is doing me a favour by being with me. Everything in life is about striking that balance which cannot be achieved within a day, week or time. Getting the "perfect" boyfriend is about finding a person whose quirks and imperfections you can tolerate; pick your poison and live with it!

    ReplyDelete
  6. "Dr.Phil" i don't like to be smothered but that does not mean i want a bad boy who make me feel like he is doing me a favour by being with me. Everything in life is about striking that balance which cannot be achieved within a day, week or time. Getting the "perfect" boyfriend is about finding a person whose quirks and imperfections you can tolerate; pick your poison and live with it!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Dreams do come true in New Orleans

    ReplyDelete
  8. You're over-generalizing a bit here :-) It's not like the only options for a guy are "perfect gentleman, thus boring" and "bad guy". You make a good point when you say that women don't really know what they want from a guy, but I think it's very, very inaccurate to say women want to be mistreated. They don't. Oh no, they don't.

    Some women like "bad guys" (meaning adventurous, exciting guys) because, well, they're adventurous and exciting, thus fun to be around. And if the guy is very successful with the ladies and doesn't have a track record as a committed guy, they hope they can be the one to make this guy change. Silly, but true. But remember that not all women are like that.

    What Emily said is, I think, quite true of many women - this is what my female friends want their ideal boyfriend to be like. And it's possible to be a guy like that without being a push-over, it's possible to be thoughtful without being boring. And it's possible to be a fun and exciting guy to be with without being a jerk. Life is not black and white, and people are not either. It's possible to be a bit of both - fun and thoughtful, a bit of a gentleman and a bit adventurous too. And not all guys are the same, and not all women want the same in a guy, also. Maybe guys should stop wondering what "women" in general want, and focus on what the specific woman they are after wants. We're not all the same, you know :-)

    Yes, there are stupid women, like the one from the paper who expected her husband to be perfect in all ways and wasn't even able to try to put more spice in their sex life herself when she found it lacking. But, once again, we're not all like that. I agree with you that many women don't know what they really look for in a guy, and care about stupid things like education level and money instead of emotional compatibility which, I think, should be more important. It's silly of them, I agree. But I'd be curious to know what men are looking for in a woman. All I ever hear about is how good-looking and sexy she must be - is that the only thing they care about? I'm not having a go at men here, I'm just sincerely curious to know what men want. And I'm sure that not all men have the same criteria either, just like not all women want the same thing in a man.

    Now, why do women stick with guys who abuse them? One reason: low self-esteem. Women who stay in abusive relationships usually think that it's either that or be alone, and many women can't bear to be alone. They don't want to be alone, and they don't think they deserve a better guy, or they don't think they will ever get a better guy. So they stay with the one guy who wants them, even if he doesn't treat them right. Sad, but true. Often, too, they just can't leave, or don't dare - they have never worked in their life, or don't earn enough to support themselves, or they have children and fear they won't get custody of the kids if they leave... lots of reasons. But not that they like it. Never that they like it.

    Please, please, don't keep this mistaken belief that women want to be a little mistreated. It made me really sad to read that, especially from you.

    ReplyDelete
  9. There are 3 guys in a womans life, the one she loves the most, the one she hates the most and the one she can't leave without. You just have to be the first two so as to be the third.

    ReplyDelete