I don't know, I'm just greatful I managed to get her to put her hands there.;) Peace!!
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Friday, December 23, 2011
The guy was really young to be leaving the earth already, he was just 40. He left behind a wife and 3 kids aged 13, 10 and 7 I think. The turnout for his funeral was impressive he's family, friends and colleagues. He was general manager of distribution of his company and the board of directors were there and the CEO who flew in from UK. He had worked for one company all his working life, 16 years. He will be sorely missed by many.
What really hit me first was how young he was. Second was that he had lived his life to the fullest; he made time for his family, extended included, friends and work. He was even patron of a hockey team. He did all this and more and managed to touch the lives of everyone around me. As he was described he sounded like the type of man I'd want to be in future, someone to emulate, a rolemodel.
I don't know but he's death was like a wakeup call for me. Life's too short not to try doing your very best at it. To exist in this world for a short sliver of time is all we really have therefore we must do our very best to touch as many souls as possible while we here and only through that might our influence live on. Peace.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
After that I began to think of all the times my imagination went off in its own in such a manner. What I mean here is flights of fancy and not delusion. Delusion is dangerous, fancy is more fun. So here we go
I remember once my best pal (not to be confused with best friend) at the time and I had got it into our mind that under a certain concert slab in our neighbourhood was a secret lab akin to Dexter's in the cartoon Dexter's Lab. We thought we'd find chemicals that would give us super powers. We spent hours discussing what we'd invent when we finally got into the lab. We dug round the slab for days. And when we finally got underneath the slab just what we found? A water pump. Funny thing is we weren't disappointed, well not too much anyway.
Another time there before we knew how exactly the currency markets work we thought the world of the British pound. We had heard it was the most valuable currency in the world but the person who mentioned it failed to let us know just how valuable so we thought with a single pound you could buy anything you could desire. We spent a good amount of time thinking of all the things we'd buy if we had just one pound.
I have several more memories of flights of fancy I've heard. A place we called the bush that we thought had wild animals and was dangerous to go into alone that was really just an undeveloped part of our hood. Recreating one of raps biggest beefs, Eastside and Westside, I was from the Westside and we had several wars between the sides.
Curiously the fancies that came to me when I thought about it were all from my early childhood. It's like when you grow older you become less imaginative and boring. You say to yourself that what you're imagining could never be. Or that it's stupid. But when you really think about it such flight of fancy bring so much happiness to life, I know they did for me anyway. I mean it never really disappointed us too much when our fancy were proven wrong, we took it in stride. I guess that's what adult fear most when they begin to imagine something, that they won't be able to take the disappointment when the fancy proves impossible. I know I've been guilt of this fear but I say to you how will you ever know your limits if you don't dream beyond them? Peace!!
Monday, December 19, 2011
|[image from pctechmag.co.ke]|
The other thing that hit me, that has a very direct effect on my life is that our public service vehicles are striking. Apparently they're doing this because of the continuing rise in the cost of everything. They want to blackmail the government in to regulating the cost of petroleum downwards and this will have a trickledown effect on the rest of the economy. Away from the dangers of having the government regulating things and whether this will work or not, do these striking idiots realize just how much they're putting me at a disadvantage?
Now I'm still young enough that most of my costs are covered by my parents so the state of the economy does not have a direct impact on me until it gets so bad I don't see my next meal on the table or can't go to school. But this strike…I've only just gotten to Nairobi city. I have a bunch of people I want to see before I have to go back to the country house. The only way available to me currently is by public means. This strike means that I'll be stuck at home. All the plans I had already made will have to be cancelled!! Also it means that I'll be dying of boredom as soon as afternoon reaches!
What do these strikers think they're doing messing up my holiday? They need to get back on the road so I can have the means to get where I need to go!! I mean now I can't go get that slushy I've been dreaming about for the last 5 months. I can't go shopping for the shoes I promised my brother. And by far the worst thing you guys are doing is keeping me from going to see my mother!!! That above puts me in such a temper.
I don't need to remind anyone that the people they're hoping to blackmail with this action all have tinted vehicles and their kids have drivers to take them around, they don't care about you!! After all when was the last time industrial action with such vague demands work? When I get a car you can go back to striking all you want I won't need or care about you then. But for now GET BACK TO WORK, IDIOTS!!!! Peace.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
I'll glad to be back in the city because it's been over 5 months since I was last here and I've missed all my friends, my sisters and most of all my mother. It is been way too long. Having to go to school so far can be a major disadvantage because you're so far from the people you're so used to having near.
In other news, I had the most awesome dream in the morning today. It involved a white redhead model selling airtime, me, her hands and our lips. Of course mere words can't describe the epicness of this dream or how this girl inflamed my passion. So I won't even try. But I will say this I didn't finish the dream because I was dozing in the sitting room and couldn't have stuff "coming up", could I?:-D Peace!!!
Friday, December 16, 2011
So how do you counter this? I mean you can't really avoid going underneath things if you actually want to live a normal life, right? Well the trick was to go back under the thing from the direction you exited it from. Ridiculous, right? WRONG!!!! I remember a time in my life I spent keeping track of all the things I went under!! I was always frightened of remaining short while my friends went past me.
If you want a put a curse on yourself or someone else just write your name or the other's outside and a witch will come do it for you. It was more dangerous though doing your own name. It has to be in a way that can't be deleted easily. This is one I'm not sure that I'm entirely free of. Let me explain why.
I had a friend, a guy who was a little old than me at the time. He's name was written in concrete somewhere in our hood (It was a really big gated community) and we all joked about how he'd be cursed. Suddenly (at least to us) he started falling really sick and weakly. His mum fell sick and died. And he moved away from our hood. I never did find out what happened to him, in those day cell phone where the size of bricks and could only be bought by the super-rich. I hope he's okay though and thing become better for him. Because of him I rarely write my name in public places.
Finally almost every culture has a superstition to do with black cats. I'm not sure why, perhaps because of their colour and the fact that all cats can look at you in a way that makes you feel they're scrutinizing your soul. Also in our hood they all seemed to appear at night. Anyway we believed that black all black cats where witches that had turned in to animals so that they can curse their victims. Why they needed to cats to do this we never questions just believed. So how exactly do you get cursed?
They have to go in between your legs after which you'd have like a week to leave because all bad luck would fall on you soon. I remember we'd walk around with our legs tightly pressed together when we saw a black cat. You couldn't hit them or try to chase them away because that would just be tempting fate. I never did see a cat try to dash under someone's legs but we never gave them a chance!
Well there you have it, 3 superstitions I still have with me, always in the back of my head. Of course most superstitions are hogwash but that never stopped anyone from believing something, did it? What superstitions do you still (or used to) believe in? I'd love to hear about them, e-mail me or comment below. I may make a follow up post of them. By the way have to ever wonder why people say "Bless you" when you sneeze? Well it's because it was believed sneezes where violent enough to remove your soul from your body and it needed to be blessed back in. Amazing huh? Peace!!!
I met her first while in boring school and my dad came to visit me with her. I remember wondering who she was and what she was doing with my dad but I was afraid to ask because I feared to find out the answer(I was, still am, afraid of my father and I didn't want to know that my parents were over). While I mauled (Is this correctly used?) over it latter during evening preps I wondered if it was he clande/mistress.*Anyone else feels that it was a really unfair that he never explain her and just brought her to my school where I couldn't protest?*
All that is besides this post's point. Today I want to talk about the relationship my brother, sisters and I have with her. Or rather how we behave towards her and what we think of her. Why am I telling you about it though? I don't know, do I really need a reason?
My baby sis, Agujuu, is now 8. Being so young she shouldn't really have the capacity for any sort of emotion towards my stepmother. (un)Fortunate she's extremely bright and perceptive for her age, I know everyone says this about their baby sis' but in my case I'm not exaggerating at all. I'm probably even understating it. While in her face Agujuu never shows any outward signs of hostility she doesn't like her very much. I think it's because she treats her worse than her own son (not overtly though atleast when I'm around because if she did I'd snap her neck, just saying) and because she knows that this is an imposter in our mother's place. She does however call her mum, the only one who does among us.
My kid bro, Ambros, is just 4 years younger than me he just hates her and shows it. He's rude and abrasive towards her. He doesn't show it too much though because he knows that she'll go running to my dad if it get to much and he doesn't want that. He behaves like this because he puts everything that happened with my parents at her feet. It's her who drew our father away and currently makes our lives so miserable. I can't say I blame him.
Mukade, my kid sis, comes right in between me and my bro. Her behaviour is the one that amuses me the most. Looking at them together you'd think they're friends. They laugh, talk and even share shoes sometimes. They actually spend time in each other's presence telling stories and stuff. But underneath it all my sis' attitude is exactly like my bro's except, perhaps, more intense. I think she's just looking for the tiniest thing so that she has a good reason to beat her senseless. It always makes me smile when I hear how she talks about her when she can't hear, lots of expletives.
Me? Well I just don't care about her. Not even a little. I feel nothing. No hate. No hunger. No nothing. I just don't think she's worthy of my emotion and I treat her as such. I answer her with mono-syllable answers. If she talks to me my next statement doesn't exceed 5 words. I feel that it may not be her fault my parents split. More than that I have a very good feeling she won't be very happy in her marriage for too long if knowing my dad and he's plans. I do feel she deserves whatever unhappiness comes her way not because I hate her but because I feel it was extremely unhonourable of her to get a married man. I just that's what I feel about her, that she's an unhonourable woman.
So there you have it. I've only recently began to realise how my parents separation affected me so I may be writing more about it. Also I guess at some time I'll write about my stepmother and her personality from my limited point of view. But for now this is all. Peace!!!
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Recently that statement has been on my mind a lot, I've been thinking about whether it was adequate or even useful. I mean, think about it, your mother probably used the same or similar statement on you, did it ever work? Or did you finish your food just so she could stop bothering and you could leave the table to go play outside or watch TV? For me it never worked and I knew I held out long enough she'd give up and chase me off the table with a stern warning not to come complaining of hunger before dinner or morning.
Another statement like this one which I hear a lot is "No matter how bad it looks/feels there's someone going through worse" I've come to the conclusion that like the earlier statement they do little to comfort or help the person that they are made to. I know because I've had this statement said to me and all I remember thinking at the time was"Yeah, really? So what? I don't feel that way and either way I don't know this person who has it worse than me. Why should I care about them now?"
This does mean that I didn't appreciate the concern it's just that that particular statement didn't work. I mean why should I care about nameless faceless people I'll never know personally? How would you know what that person is feeling? I mean perhaps they've come to terms with their situation, or maybe gotten used to it. I don't mean to be callous here but those are the thoughts going through my head whenever you say such things to me. Perhaps I am heartless, or do you actually feel I'm making sense here, sound out in the comments.
So what statement should you use in cases like this to remind people that it's never that bad? I feel in such cases it's better to give a personal example so that they can know at least you've had some similar experience to them. In my personal experience it's more soothing than saying someone has it worse than me. It enables you to bond over a similar sad experience, just as you would over happy ones.
Now I'm not sure what I'll tell me kid to make her eat all her food but I'm envisioning something with a cane and me suggestively tapping it against my thigh while glaring down at her.:-D Let me know what you think in the comments. Peace!!!!
P.S This post is brought to you because of @Duchess4life she asked yesterday why I stopped posting, that she enjoyed my posts(I smiled idiotically at this point and felt a flash of pride that always goes to inflate my ego) and I should post more. I don't have a good reason because I have everything I need to be regularly posting I'm just lazy I guess. I'll try to be better in future. Again peace!!!!
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
|Check out the cool logo from Wamathai.com|
|This is Wamathai, the poet|
Sunday, September 4, 2011
|I think I should get a T-shirt made!!|
Friday, September 2, 2011
Now I feel like writing, but what about tomorrow? How will I feel then? Today I texted Belinda and she was not amused that I told Victor about her almost getting pregnant. She says she forgives but doesn't trust me at all. Perhaps her anger is justified but really its a bit of an over-reaction because she really didn't say it in confidence, just in passing; and DAMN that shit was bloody shocking!!! As in WTF?? How was I supposed to react? How could she be soo stupid as to actually let herself be in a situation which could get her pregnant? In this era of condoms,contraceptives,e-pills and abortion? I told Ross and he, in his infinite stupidity, goes and asks her!! Well that leaves me with some serious serious anger!!! Unfortunately for Ross am plotting revenge!!!
Now what am I planning...a damning rumour? Or mess up one of his friendships? Or screw with his reputation? Am not sure... I can remember the last time I had this type of thoughts but I can't remember why I had them. I remember I was even more mad than I am now! But no!! Our friendship endures despite everything. Even as I write this I can feel the anger ebbing away with every breath.
Now back to Belinda... She's "the one that got away" due to my infinite childishness and naivety. And by the time I realised the opportunity before me, it was gone! I tried to make her feel the way I did but nothing! She had moved on. So then we depreciated from something more than friends less than lovers to just friends or even less.
I often wander if I'm obsessed with her. If I'm unable to let go, but I'm quickly discovering that failure to let go is something I do with most chicks I've been intimate with or have/had feelings for. But really, why is it I'm stuck on her? Is it that am just not one to accept defeat easily? Or is it that I like to end things on my terms so that I don't feel anything afterwards?
Even as just friends we were still close as close possibly gets as boy and girl get as friends. But somehow over time we began to see less each other and talk much less. Well, recently I had decided to resuscitate our friendship to its old life...then this happens! Nktest!! But this is not the end of this story.... am not one to give up easily!!!
Now which would be the best approach? Chuck Bass style? Or just be persistent(nice guy act) 'till she gives in? Looking at the two options am thinking Chuck Bass would be the best way...Why you might ask why? Well lets review the options:
The nice guy act: This has some very obvious flaws.First,it strips me of any pride I might have(which btw is a lot, it'll comeback).Second it gives her all the power to use and mis-use.Third she can total ruin my rep.Fourth you can never be sure wether she's really over it as she might just want of get you off her back...Fifth I have very little control if she does crack...
Chuck Bass: First it could totally mean that our friendship is gone for good.Second it comes off like I don't care making her conscious of approaching me. Third it could ruin any future relations with chicks in church.
5-3 Chuck Bass wins but I'll keep track of how things are and decide things when I see her next!
I was watching Gossip Girl at the time and was quite fascinated with Chuck Bass -I've been told I'm so much like him, I hope I don't come off as that arrogant though- he had effortless swag that I liked. Anyway what would you have done if you were me? Sound off in the comments. Peace!
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Monday, July 25, 2011
Friday, July 22, 2011
Questioning does not have to be about changing everything. It is about asking questions one does not usually think of asking, about not being content with assumptions, but trying to figure out the truth. About knowing yourself. The conclusion of the questioning process can very well be that one was right about oneself.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Monday, July 18, 2011
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Friday, July 15, 2011
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
...the Storymoja Monthly Blog Posts Expo. Yeah I was nominated along with a host of other more talented writers such as Savvy Kenya. Yeah someone considered my writing to be at the same level of Savvy!! Yeah I'm feeling rather good about myself right now. You can read about the nomination here, doesn't seem like there's any prize to be won though.
Here's what was said about the nominees
"...today, all I wish to celebrate like we have every month on the Storymoja Writers’ Community, is the diversity of writing and the creativity of forming that can be found on the Kenyan blogosphere.Yeah I'm creative or at least that's what this nomination means for me. I'm jazzed!! If you're the one who nominated me thanks!!! Peace!!
Now some of the blog posts I found are fiction, some are opinion editorial, some are more personal writing. Some of the posts were nominated by readers, others I just stumbled upon and loved."
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
I've always complained of how I don't have a girlfriend and to realise that I've been sub-conscientiously sabotaging my own chances makes me laugh. Anyway so I did some research into it (Google/Wikipedia of course). The description I've written below is interspersed with commentary from me with how what I've written best describes me and how I've seen it in my life. These comments will be in brackets so don't skip to the end hoping to see what I'm thinking.
First before I tell you what I found let me first do a little attribution to me sources. Since I'm blogging from email I'm putting the full page urls. Fear of Commitment on Wikipedia. Commitment Phobia on www.anxietymatters.com. I used these two pages because anymore would be too many for me to read, also the where the top pages when I googled "Commitment Phobia".
A phobia is similar to a fear in that the mind perceives there to be a threat. The difference is, that in a phobia, the level of anxiety felt is disproportionate to the actual threat. So commitment phobia is a mechanism put in place by the brain to protect us from something that -for some reason-, it has misjudged the threat of.
The term commitment phobia was coined in the popular self-help book Men Who Can't Love in 1987. While popular media has made it seem that it only affects romantic relations it can affect any part of someone's life that requires a long time obligation such as work and school. Since on this blog post I meant commitment phobia on a romantic level that's what I'm going to concentrate on.
Commitment phobic people claim that they are eager to find a lasting romantic attachment, yet they fail to find appropriate partners and maintain long lasting connections.(Defines me perfectly) Ironically, in these romantic relationships, the commitment phobic partner craves what he/she fears most: love and connection. This paradoxical craving for a frightening reality leads to a confusing and destructive pattern of seduction and rejection. The results are emotionally devastating. (I can't say I'm emotionally devastated but I can imagine the other parties in my potential relationships may have been)
It should be said that there are as many possible causes of commitment phobia as there are people suffering from it. That's because each of us have different experiences as we grow so no two people can ever be the same. However there are some things that appear common in most cases. People with commitment phobia in adulthood, have often experienced one or more of the following experiences in their earlier years.
-A significant loss or bereavement
-A childhood trauma
-Parental separation (This may be the major cause for me. My parents have been divorced for the last 6 years or so, which is, coincidentally the last time I can say I was in a relationship)
-Poor role models (I don't look at my dad, as the man in my life, as a good role model for personal relationships)
-Abuse of one form or another during the formative, childhood years.
The symptoms of commitment phobia are wide and varied, and are only really limited by the imagination of the commitment phobic person themselves. Commitment phobia symptoms often appear as a sudden feeling of uncertainty, and sometimes the feeling of being trapped in the relationship. Such feelings are rooted in fear—fear of lost options or fear of making poor decisions. The commitment phobic mind sees decisions as permanent, opening the possibility of being caged or trapped.
Many commitment phobic people become fantasy-driven, using their active imaginations to fill in for the lack of emotional security and closeness in their lives. These fantasies pose additional problems because no potential partner can ever live up to the fantasy. Commitment phobic people are also prone to self-destructive behavior, such as walking out on partners. (Yeah this is so very true, in my experience, you build such a perfect fantasy of what you're looking for that no one can ever live up to that vision. More than that is that you suddenly get scared that if you get into a relationship this mythical perfection you've come up with will appear-or at the very least, someone better than who you're with- and you can't get out of the relationship you're in.)
One potentially misleading aspect of commitment phobic behavior is that the partner who is actively running away from commitment is the only one with a problem. In fact, commitment phobic behavior includes "settling" for inappropriate partners, pursuing unattainable partners, and engaging in instant relationships as well as fleeing from what might have appeared to be a stable romance. Any persistent behavior that actively prevents a person from making a commitment or allows a person to make excuses for not having made a commitment can be considered commitment phobic.
So there you have it as a definitive a description to can get on commitment phobia anywhere. I'm currently trying to get over my phobia one small step at a time. Any tips you may have on how you've dealt with your fears or you just want to share your experience be sure drop a line in the comments.(Or email me) I'd be most appreciative! Peace!!!
Monday, July 4, 2011
I've said severally here that I'm someone who really enjoys the company of girls infact I can as far as saying that I have more girl than boy friends. I'm not entirely sure why that is. I'm by far more selective of my guy friends. I think it's an ego thing I get from the company of girls.
So in all my interactions I've become aware of one thing. If I hang out with a girl for long enough I'll eventually, at some time, develop feelings for the girl. I only came to this realization recently and I've been blown away by it. It explains a lot that I didn't previously understand. I doubt if girls feel the same though but I can't be sure.
With this realization has come insight into my platonic relationships with my girl friends. If I don't want to develop feelings for these girl I shouldn't hang out with the for prolonged periods of time. But that can't work because despite what feelings beyond friendship I feel for these girls I genuinely enjoy spending time with these girls. So what's to be done.
Suppression. I mean I need to become aware of these feelings before they lead me to do something stupid, like making a move that will ruin a friendship with extreme awkwardness and embarrassment. Realising these feelings I should make an active effort not to let them, and their attendant thoughts, overwhelm my conscience. This seems like the best course of action, of course I'm welcome to suggestions so sound off in the comments.
This doesn't mean that you shouldn't make advances on your girl friends I'm just giving what to me seems a viable way to avoid ruining your friendships with girls. I'll leave you with some advice that a good girl friend of mine gave my while in school "If you think you may wanna hit that you'd better persue that, making your intentions clear from the begin than starting out pretending to be friends then trying to get into a relationship!!!"Peace!!
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
why am I talking about these things in the same post? Well It's because one is related to the other. I bet you're wondering how.
When I was younger, much younger than I am now, I'm guessing when I was about 12 and a half, the TV in out house broke. My baby sis, whom I love very much, while in the stage where babies are beginning to walk using other objects as support, was leaning against the TV and pushed it over.
I wasn't there when it happened but that single event had a massive effect onn my life. At the time my parents didn't have enough money to replace the TV (It was a very cash strapped time in all our lifes) so we stayed without one for over a year.
Since we didn't have a TV, it fell upon me to find other ways to entertain myself when I got back from school. I spent a lot of time trolling the school library for Hardy Boy books. I read the entire series-the original one-and even some of the new ones.
What has all this got to do with why I now wear glasses now? Well when I finally got into reading Hardy Boys, a couple of friends and I used to compete on who would read the most books. This lead me to do a book a night! It's probably also the reason I can read I read much faster than most people.
However in the beginning I would still have a chapter or two to go when my bed time would came. So I'd leave the door to my room open so that I could use the light from the corridor to read my books.
Unfortunately this light wasn't very bright so it caused me to squint when reading and so I slowly spoilt my eyes this way. After more than 6 months reading like this I couldn't see the classroom board even if I sat in the front.
I don't regret that my eyesight deterioated becausse of books. The pleasure I derived from the books I read and the knowledge I continued and continue to get from them continues to feed my soul. Sounds like non-sense I know but books are the one thing I can always turn to to take my mind of things. to emmerse myself in someone else's thoughts and escape reality for a little bit. Peace!!!
Monday, June 27, 2011
Anyway I was wondering why he couldn't just turn to the the private lawyers in this country to do some of the work pro-bono at least until the case load gets under control. I mean anything to get the case load under control right. . I don't know if the law allows it though but it seems to me a great idea. What do y'all think? Let me know in the comments. Peace.