Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Girls with small hands

I'm at Java with a couple of my girlfriends and one's just told me that dudes like chics with small hands. Why? Because it makes our dicks look bigger when she's holding it.. :-D

I don't know, I'm just greatful I managed to get her to put her hands there.;) Peace!!

Friday, December 23, 2011

What I learnt at a funeral

Again I skipped a day. Not good. I'm actually forcing myself to sit down and write something before another day gets away from me. The excuse this time is that I got home really late yesterday and was exhausted!! I spent the whole day with my mum at a funeral service. I didn't know the guy who was being buried personally but I had meet him before. He died in a car crash.

The guy was really young to be leaving the earth already, he was just 40. He left behind a wife and 3 kids aged 13, 10 and 7 I think. The turnout for his funeral was impressive he's family, friends and colleagues. He was general manager of distribution of his company and the board of directors were there and the CEO who flew in from UK. He had worked for one company all his working life, 16 years. He will be sorely missed by many.

What really hit me first was how young he was. Second was that he had lived his life to the fullest; he made time for his family, extended included, friends and work. He was even patron of a hockey team. He did all this and more and managed to touch the lives of everyone around me. As he was described he sounded like the type of man I'd want to be in future, someone to emulate, a rolemodel.

I don't know but he's death was like a wakeup call for me. Life's too short not to try doing your very best at it. To exist in this world for a short sliver of time is all we really have therefore we must do our very best to touch as many souls as possible while we here and only through that might our influence live on. Peace.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Living in your imagination

I didn't put up a post yesterday, and I apologise for that, I'll try put up two posts today to make up for it, but no promises. So yesterday I was watching Penguins of Madagascar with my baby sis, an excellent animation for all ages, and when I left her there then went to take a shower I suddenly recalled an episode about a wishing well that would grant anyone who threw in a coin a wish. I thought to myself how come that such things never go the way the penguins want? In this particular episode the whole zoo discovered about the wishing well and then things just went wrong from there. Of course in the end things got back to normal at the end of the episode. I then reminded myself that it was just a cartoon and wasn't really but in that moment I felt what I was thinking was real.

After that I began to think of all the times my imagination went off in its own in such a manner. What I mean here is flights of fancy and not delusion. Delusion is dangerous, fancy is more fun. So here we go

I remember once my best pal (not to be confused with best friend) at the time and I had got it into our mind that under a certain concert slab in our neighbourhood was a secret lab akin to Dexter's in the cartoon Dexter's Lab. We thought we'd find chemicals that would give us super powers. We spent hours discussing what we'd invent when we finally got into the lab. We dug round the slab for days. And when we finally got underneath the slab just what we found? A water pump. Funny thing is we weren't disappointed, well not too much anyway.

Another time there before we knew how exactly the currency markets work we thought the world of the British pound. We had heard it was the most valuable currency in the world but the person who mentioned it failed to let us know just how valuable so we thought with a single pound you could buy anything you could desire. We spent a good amount of time thinking of all the things we'd buy if we had just one pound.

I have several more memories of flights of fancy I've heard. A place we called the bush that we thought had wild animals and was dangerous to go into alone that was really just an undeveloped part of our hood. Recreating one of raps biggest beefs, Eastside and Westside, I was from the Westside and we had several wars between the sides.

Curiously the fancies that came to me when I thought about it were all from my early childhood. It's like when you grow older you become less imaginative and boring. You say to yourself that what you're imagining could never be. Or that it's stupid. But when you really think about it such flight of fancy bring so much happiness to life, I know they did for me anyway. I mean it never really disappointed us too much when our fancy were proven wrong, we took it in stride. I guess that's what adult fear most when they begin to imagine something, that they won't be able to take the disappointment when the fancy proves impossible. I know I've been guilt of this fear but I say to you how will you ever know your limits if you don't dream beyond them? Peace!!

Monday, December 19, 2011

Stupid Matatu Strike!!! Or why cdooh needs a car...

So it's about 10.30 in the morning and I'm only just sitting up in bed to write this quick post. The first I usually do when I wake up in the morning is grab my phone and check what's up online, you know twitter, fb and my blog feeds. I usually do this from underneath the bed covers especially on a day like today when I'm not really in a rush to go anywhere.
[image from pctechmag.co.ke]
So a few thing's hit me this morning. First North Korea's leader, Kim Jong-il, has died of heart related complications. A sad day for that country and the entire neighbouring region as well. It's sad for the country because that it has lost its leader, the visible head and voice of the country. Of course he didn't run every single detail by himself but the way I've heard it told he was very powerful, clever and ruthless. I'm sure his people will mourn deeply for him. It's a sad day for the region because without him no one is entirely sure what happens to North Korean. His son, Kim Jong-un, is supposed to take over but who knows how that politics of that secretive nation will play out? Also this means that control of the country's nukes is up in the air and no one knows what the next leader will do to demonstrate his strength to his people and the world. South Korea and Japan are on high alert.
The other thing that hit me, that has a very direct effect on my life is that our public service vehicles are striking. Apparently they're doing this because of the continuing rise in the cost of everything. They want to blackmail the government in to regulating the cost of petroleum downwards and this will have a trickledown effect on the rest of the economy. Away from the dangers of having the government regulating things and whether this will work or not, do these striking idiots realize just how much they're putting me at a disadvantage?
Now I'm still young enough that most of my costs are covered by my parents so the state of the economy does not have a direct impact on me until it gets so bad I don't see my next meal on the table or can't go to school. But this strike…I've only just gotten to Nairobi city. I have a bunch of people I want to see before I have to go back to the country house. The only way available to me currently is by public means. This strike means that I'll be stuck at home. All the plans I had already made will have to be cancelled!! Also it means that I'll be dying of boredom as soon as afternoon reaches!
What do these strikers think they're doing messing up my holiday? They need to get back on the road so I can have the means to get where I need to go!! I mean now I can't go get that slushy I've been dreaming about for the last 5 months. I can't go shopping for the shoes I promised my brother. And by far the worst thing you guys are doing is keeping me from going to see my mother!!! That above puts me in such a temper.
I don't need to remind anyone that the people they're hoping to blackmail with this action all have tinted vehicles and their kids have drivers to take them around, they don't care about you!! After all when was the last time industrial action with such vague demands work? When I get a car you can go back to striking all you want I won't need or care about you then. But for now GET BACK TO WORK, IDIOTS!!!! Peace.



Sunday, December 18, 2011

Random Sunday Post

I didn't put up a post yesterday, I was lazy and it was Sabbath, so I guess I can say it was a resting day but I'm back today. I don't know what I'm going to write about because I'm totally blank. Today we were travelling from our country house (shags) and back to the city house for a few days. I, however, will be staying on to spend some time with my mum and my friends.

I'll glad to be back in the city because it's been over 5 months since I was last here and I've missed all my friends, my sisters and most of all my mother. It is been way too long. Having to go to school so far can be a major disadvantage because you're so far from the people you're so used to having near.

In other news, I had the most awesome dream in the morning today. It involved a white redhead model selling airtime, me, her hands and our lips. Of course mere words can't describe the epicness of this dream or how this girl inflamed my passion. So I won't even try. But I will say this I didn't finish the dream because I was dozing in the sitting room and couldn't have stuff "coming up", could I?:-D Peace!!!

Friday, December 16, 2011

Superstitions from my childhood

I figured out what today's post will be about. My childhood superstitions!!! I lived in Zambia for most of my early childhood, 10 years to be exact so these are mostly from there. Recently I was about to about to go under a hanging cable and a thought came to my head, "DON'T DO THAT!! You'll never grow you'll if you do!!" I was shocked and amused that I would still have such thoughts at my age. I used to believe this so very vehemently when I was a child (I still am a child but then I was like 8 or younger). The superstition was that if you went under something you stopped growing from then on.

So how do you counter this? I mean you can't really avoid going underneath things if you actually want to live a normal life, right? Well the trick was to go back under the thing from the direction you exited it from. Ridiculous, right? WRONG!!!! I remember a time in my life I spent keeping track of all the things I went under!! I was always frightened of remaining short while my friends went past me.

If you want a put a curse on yourself or someone else just write your name or the other's outside and a witch will come do it for you. It was more dangerous though doing your own name. It has to be in a way that can't be deleted easily. This is one I'm not sure that I'm entirely free of. Let me explain why.

I had a friend, a guy who was a little old than me at the time. He's name was written in concrete somewhere in our hood (It was a really big gated community) and we all joked about how he'd be cursed. Suddenly (at least to us) he started falling really sick and weakly. His mum fell sick and died. And he moved away from our hood. I never did find out what happened to him, in those day cell phone where the size of bricks and could only be bought by the super-rich. I hope he's okay though and thing become better for him. Because of him I rarely write my name in public places.

Finally almost every culture has a superstition to do with black cats. I'm not sure why, perhaps because of their colour and the fact that all cats can look at you in a way that makes you feel they're scrutinizing your soul. Also in our hood they all seemed to appear at night. Anyway we believed that black all black cats where witches that had turned in to animals so that they can curse their victims. Why they needed to cats to do this we never questions just believed. So how exactly do you get cursed?

They have to go in between your legs after which you'd have like a week to leave because all bad luck would fall on you soon. I remember we'd walk around with our legs tightly pressed together when we saw a black cat. You couldn't hit them or try to chase them away because that would just be tempting fate. I never did see a cat try to dash under someone's legs but we never gave them a chance!

Well there you have it, 3 superstitions I still have with me, always in the back of my head. Of course most superstitions are hogwash but that never stopped anyone from believing something, did it? What superstitions do you still (or used to) believe in? I'd love to hear about them, e-mail me or comment below. I may make a follow up post of them. By the way have to ever wonder why people say "Bless you" when you sneeze? Well it's because it was believed sneezes where violent enough to remove your soul from your body and it needed to be blessed back in. Amazing huh? Peace!!!

My stepmother: what we think of her

If you're a regular reader of this blog you should already know that my parents split about 5 years ago. I don't really want to get in to the details of what happened and how I felt in this post. But I do want to talk about something that was a result of that separation: my step mother.

I met her first while in boring school and my dad came to visit me with her. I remember wondering who she was and what she was doing with my dad but I was afraid to ask because I feared to find out the answer(I was, still am, afraid of my father and I didn't want to know that my parents were over). While I mauled (Is this correctly used?) over it latter during evening preps I wondered if it was he clande/mistress.*Anyone else feels that it was a really unfair that he never explain her and just brought her to my school where I couldn't protest?*

All that is besides this post's point. Today I want to talk about the relationship my brother, sisters and I have with her. Or rather how we behave towards her and what we think of her. Why am I telling you about it though? I don't know, do I really need a reason?

My baby sis, Agujuu, is now 8. Being so young she shouldn't really have the capacity for any sort of emotion towards my stepmother. (un)Fortunate she's extremely bright and perceptive for her age, I know everyone says this about their baby sis' but in my case I'm not exaggerating at all. I'm probably even understating it. While in her face Agujuu never shows any outward signs of hostility she doesn't like her very much. I think it's because she treats her worse than her own son (not overtly though atleast when I'm around because if she did I'd snap her neck, just saying) and because she knows that this is an imposter in our mother's place. She does however call her mum, the only one who does among us.

My kid bro, Ambros, is just 4 years younger than me he just hates her and shows it. He's rude and abrasive towards her. He doesn't show it too much though because he knows that she'll go running to my dad if it get to much and he doesn't want that. He behaves like this because he puts everything that happened with my parents at her feet. It's her who drew our father away and currently makes our lives so miserable. I can't say I blame him.

Mukade, my kid sis, comes right in between me and my bro. Her behaviour is the one that amuses me the most. Looking at them together you'd think they're friends. They laugh, talk and even share shoes sometimes. They actually spend time in each other's presence telling stories and stuff. But underneath it all my sis' attitude is exactly like my bro's except, perhaps, more intense. I think she's just looking for the tiniest thing so that she has a good reason to beat her senseless. It always makes me smile when I hear how she talks about her when she can't hear, lots of expletives.

Me? Well I just don't care about her. Not even a little. I feel nothing. No hate. No hunger. No nothing. I just don't think she's worthy of my emotion and I treat her as such. I answer her with mono-syllable answers. If she talks to me my next statement doesn't exceed 5 words. I feel that it may not be her fault my parents split. More than that I have a very good feeling she won't be very happy in her marriage for too long if knowing my dad and he's plans. I do feel she deserves whatever unhappiness comes her way not because I hate her but because I feel it was extremely unhonourable of her to get a married man. I just that's what I feel about her, that she's an unhonourable woman.

So there you have it. I've only recently began to realise how my parents separation affected me so I may be writing more about it. Also I guess at some time I'll write about my stepmother and her personality from my limited point of view. But for now this is all. Peace!!!

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Statements that don't help me...

"Do you know how many people are dying of hunger, while you sit here sating you're full and you've barely touched your food?" My mum used to tell me this a lot when I was younger. In those days my food was served for me so I had no say in what portion I wanted. I can however say that whatever I was served was always enough to hold me until the next meal, I wonder how she always knew… That's beside the point though and the point is that statement.

Recently that statement has been on my mind a lot, I've been thinking about whether it was adequate or even useful. I mean, think about it, your mother probably used the same or similar statement on you, did it ever work? Or did you finish your food just so she could stop bothering and you could leave the table to go play outside or watch TV? For me it never worked and I knew I held out long enough she'd give up and chase me off the table with a stern warning not to come complaining of hunger before dinner or morning.

Another statement like this one which I hear a lot is "No matter how bad it looks/feels there's someone going through worse" I've come to the conclusion that like the earlier statement they do little to comfort or help the person that they are made to. I know because I've had this statement said to me and all I remember thinking at the time was"Yeah, really? So what? I don't feel that way and either way I don't know this person who has it worse than me. Why should I care about them now?"

This does mean that I didn't appreciate the concern it's just that that particular statement didn't work. I mean why should I care about nameless faceless people I'll never know personally? How would you know what that person is feeling? I mean perhaps they've come to terms with their situation, or maybe gotten used to it. I don't mean to be callous here but those are the thoughts going through my head whenever you say such things to me. Perhaps I am heartless, or do you actually feel I'm making sense here, sound out in the comments.

So what statement should you use in cases like this to remind people that it's never that bad? I feel in such cases it's better to give a personal example so that they can know at least you've had some similar experience to them. In my personal experience it's more soothing than saying someone has it worse than me. It enables you to bond over a similar sad experience, just as you would over happy ones.

Now I'm not sure what I'll tell me kid to make her eat all her food but I'm envisioning something with a cane and me suggestively tapping it against my thigh while glaring down at her.:-D Let me know what you think in the comments. Peace!!!!


P.S This post is brought to you because of @Duchess4life she asked yesterday why I stopped posting, that she enjoyed my posts(I smiled idiotically at this point and felt a flash of pride that always goes to inflate my ego) and I should post more. I don't have a good reason because I have everything I need to be regularly posting I'm just lazy I guess. I'll try to be better in future. Again peace!!!!

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

What is poetry?


The other day I attended a meeting for our school poetry club. I had wanted to see the performances and a friend of mine had said that they were beginning at 9 am. I arrived at 10 because I had spent the night before not in my room.;) Turns out my friend had it wrong, idiot!!!, and this was actually a meeting between the school club and the guest artists that had been invited. Since I was already there I decided to stay.

Since I’m so very poor with names I won’t be using any here in case I get them wrong.
Anyway at some point we got into groups to discuss various matters like what poetry was to each of us, mediums used in poetry and poetry in the bible. It was an awesome discussion that included other aspect such as what poetry/art we all practiced and what we loved most about our chosen art form.
For me the most interesting part of the discussion was what was poetry and a question that arose from that discussion, asked by me, is at which point does poetry stop. At which point do we say stop, what you’re doing isn’t poetry so stop calling it that!!

Check out the cool logo from Wamathai.com
A little background first. I can’t stand written poetry. I never like it in high school and I don’t like it written on the web. This is no offense to the writers I’m sure some of them, on the web, are quite skilled(I think we can agree if you actually get published you are skilled). I prefer when poetry is spoken out, read or performed, that’s when I get it. Anyway a while back there was a sudden upsurge in poetry blogs, I blame Wamathai, and it would annoy me because most of the works there were, err, in my opinion, either not poetry or just whack!!

This left me wondering at which point do we say this isn’t poetry. So we set out to answer that question.

First we each defined poetry. I’ll put here an amalgamation of what we all said Poetry is words in a beautiful way. It is freedom of expression and personal. It is a way to express self about the world, in an indirect way. It’s rhyme, word play. It’s standard, stanza, rhymes and arrangement of word, a way of expressing uniqueness. It’s the art for expressing feeling, any manner. It’s expressive uniqueness.
 
This is Wamathai, the poet 


As you can see those are rather broad. So of course this caused me to ask where do we stop. I’m a blogger, a writer of sorts you could say and I express myself, my uniqueness here  does that make me a poet?

Well we talked about it and a lot was said that I wish could be put up here but that would take several posts and my memory just isn’t that good…but I took notes J Back in the day there were standard rules decide by academics and elite of that time. Anyone who branched out of those rules could be easily dismissed and I guess everyone at the time could easily call someone a poet. However these days there’s more people defining the genre hence we need to be more accommodative than dismissive. Poetry is personal in that it’s about how you feel. Poetic, poetry. I guess you could say that poetry depends on how you see yourself, if you call yourself a poet you are.

I guess poetry is personal. What you call poetry is not what I poetry so don’t judge. However there is something that was said that really made sense  ”Before you break the rules and branch out, be able to show you can follow the rules.” I think we all need to remember that, no matter what we’re trying to do!

One last thing “Poetry is in the audience” Think about that. Peace

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Taming Cdooh


I think I should get a T-shirt made!!
It’s nearly 2am as I begin writing this post and it’s the second time I’m attempting to do so. The first one was lost when the battery of my laptop mysteriously fell out when I was moving it from my lap to the couch when I was done. I hadn’t saved. I was using Notepad. This time I’m using Word just in case something happens. Now in to the story…

A couple of weeks, or more, back I happened to come across a book by Deepak Chopra called ‘Why is God laughing?’ It isn’t a bad book but I really didn’t get the point of it or even why God was laughing when I finished it.  What I did get from is was a lesson, a lesson about ego.

In the book there’s a point where the hero, let’s call him Haman, was asked, by his spirit guide, to do a task that he felt was stupid. He was famous and not accustomed to being treated that way. He was later then asked to at random to make two people in the street laugh, which he should have been able to as he was a comedian. He couldn’t. He was then told to think about how he felt when he failed.
His spirit guide then told him, what for me was the most useful part of the book, something that went like this (my own words but they should give you a good idea of what was said): Our ego makes us believe that we can’t live without it, to protect us from the world but what we don’t realize is that that very ego is what makes us vulnerable to the world.

This really got me thinking about my ego. Anyone who’s read this blog for a while can attest to the fact that I have a huge ego!! I’ve written about it and mentioned it in several posts. Even if I don’t talk about it directly it somehow comes out in most of my posts. I’ve always felt that I’ve need it that it protected me, my emotions. How wrong I was!!

The book caused me to take some time to really think of my ego and how it affects my life and my environment. What I found out was a little shocking, though now with hindsight perhaps it had been coming for a long while. My ego is fed by the things I do, the things I tell myself-in front of other people- and things other people say about me.

Now that isn’t necessarily a bad thing but look at like this. Because my ego said I was very good a certain things I actually shied away from doing the very things it said I was good at because if I failed at it, it would mean that my ego was wrong and that would hurt my feelings. This means that my ego was actively stopping me from being spontaneous, random and experiencing new things and people in life. It was providing two conflicting emotions, you’re awesome at this but if fail then perhaps you’re not.

It showed me that my ego was generally fuelled by other people, what they said about me and how they re-acted to me. I was basing my actions on what/how other people may or may not react to me. Basing your feelings on what other people think is a definite recipe for unhappiness because you have to get a certain, constant continuous, reaction(s) to maintain that happiness and that’s impossible.

 That’s why I’m embarking on a journey, a journey to try tame something so big it’s essentially me, my ego. I can’t have something limiting me from experiencing life to the fullest, or from being happy. It’s not going to be easy, I know, but it’s something I have to try. It means from now on no longer talking of how awesome I am in front of other people. Or how handsome. Or clever. It also means no longer listening to that voice that tells me I can do this but still goes on to add if you fail you’ll be hurt and sad, crushed.

Just so we’re clear I’m not talking about self-confidence here. Self-confidence is good, and essential, but you have to careful with it to because it can totally led to you boosting your ego. In my case they’re certainly so tightly entwined together it’ll be a task disentangling them. So what’s the difference? I think self-confidence is you knowing you can do something but ego kicks in when you get the thoughts that if you fail perhaps you can’t really do it. I mean failing once doesn’t mean you can’t do something, right? Confused? So am I!!! I’m still trying to figure this out.
Yeah, it’ll definitely not be easy. Peace!!!


PS: has anyone else noticed that if you lose a post, try to do it again it doesn’t sound quite as awesome as the first? Let me know what you think of this one in the comments or if you’ve ever experienced what I’m talking about. Peace!!!

Friday, September 2, 2011

The One that Got Away Pt 1

I wrote this long long ago, when I was a younger more innocent version of me. It was long long before my first post or even knowing blogging exists. Why I'm posting it here, I don't know. I haven't posted in a while and this was there, already typed. I'll appreciate any comments you have on my juvenile writing.

Now I feel like writing, but what about tomorrow? How will I feel then? Today I texted Belinda and she was not amused that I told Victor about her almost getting pregnant. She says she forgives but doesn't trust me at all. Perhaps her anger is justified but really its a bit of an over-reaction because she really didn't say it in confidence, just in passing; and DAMN that shit was bloody shocking!!! As in WTF?? How was I supposed to react? How could she be soo stupid as to actually let herself be in a situation which could get her pregnant? In this era of condoms,contraceptives,e-pills and abortion? I told Ross and he, in his infinite stupidity, goes and asks her!! Well that leaves me with some serious serious anger!!! Unfortunately for Ross am plotting revenge!!!

Now what am I planning...a damning rumour? Or mess up one of his friendships? Or screw with his reputation? Am not sure... I can remember the last time I had this type of thoughts but I can't remember why I had them. I remember I was even more mad than I am now! But no!! Our friendship endures despite everything. Even as I write this I can feel the anger ebbing away with every breath.

Now back to Belinda... She's "the one that got away" due to my infinite childishness and naivety. And by the time I realised the opportunity before me, it was gone! I tried to make her feel the way I did but nothing! She had moved on. So then we depreciated from something more than friends less than lovers to just friends or even less.

I often wander if I'm obsessed with her. If I'm unable to let go, but I'm quickly discovering that failure to let go is something I do with most chicks I've been intimate with or have/had feelings for. But really, why is it I'm stuck on her? Is it that am just not one to accept defeat easily? Or is it that I like to end things on my terms so that I don't feel anything afterwards?

Even as just friends we were still close as close possibly gets as boy and girl get as friends. But somehow over time we began to see less each other and talk much less. Well, recently I had decided to resuscitate our friendship to its old life...then this happens! Nktest!! But this is not the end of this story.... am not one to give up easily!!!

Now which would be the best approach? Chuck Bass style? Or just be persistent(nice guy act) 'till she gives in? Looking at the two options am thinking Chuck Bass would be the best way...Why you might ask why? Well lets review the options:

The nice guy act: This has some very obvious flaws.First,it strips me of any pride I might have(which btw is a lot, it'll comeback).Second it gives her all the power to use and mis-use.Third she can total ruin my rep.Fourth you can never be sure wether she's really over it as she might just want of get you off her back...Fifth I have very little control if she does crack...

Chuck Bass: First it could totally mean that our friendship is gone for good.Second it comes off like I don't care making her conscious of approaching me. Third it could ruin any future relations with chicks in church.

5-3 Chuck Bass wins but I'll keep track of how things are and decide things when I see her next!


I was watching Gossip Girl at the time and was quite fascinated with Chuck Bass -I've been told I'm so much like him, I hope I don't come off as that arrogant though- he had effortless swag that I liked. Anyway what would you have done if you were me? Sound off in the comments. Peace!

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Small update: I've enabled Disqus comments

Hey guys!! People have been complaining about how difficult it is to comment on the standard Blogger template for a long while so from today we'll be using Disqus comments which should make it much easier for anyone to comment. Let me know what you think of it by commenting or by e-mail. Peace!!!

Monday, July 25, 2011

Weird keywords that lead poeple to my blog

So I was randomly checking out my analytics-something I do to make sure at least one person has checked what I've written- and noticed among the reports the search engine Keyword traffic the most hilarious thing. Some one googled "I'm in Kenya, I want a girlfriend" and landed on my blog.


This got my thinking about what this person was thinking when googling this and the post he may have landed at. I decided to do a whole post on the Keywords that had landed people on my blog.

Friday, July 22, 2011

Sgyreju's Questioning Week: Conclusion

First I'd like to thank Sgyreju for allowing me to put up her posts on my blog and I'm sure all of you thank her too. She wrote them almost a year ago but the ideas and questions she asks are priceless and I'll continue to cherish them forever. Second this is an edited conclusion of what has been a very fun week of posts that Sgyreju originally had on her blog. It contain mostly her thoughts interspersed with mine.

Questioning does not have to be about changing everything. It is about asking questions one does not usually think of asking, about not being content with assumptions, but trying to figure out the truth. About knowing yourself. The conclusion of the questioning process can very well be that one was right about oneself.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Sgyreju's Questioning Week: Day 7 Gender


Gender is something I have only begun to think about very recently, and I still have work to do in order to understand better where I stand in relation to it. But, even though I have only been exploring my own gender identity for about three months, I had known for a while longer that it is quite a complex matter.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Sgyreju's Questioning Week: Day 6 Friends or Lovers


Most people divide relationships with people who do not belong to their family in only two categories: friends and romantic partners. A specific set of expectations and “normal behavior” is associated with each category, and transgressions are frowned upon: One is not supposed to kiss one’s friends, or hold hands with them, for instance, but on the other hand, it is not considered “normal” not to kiss or have sex with one’s romantic partner.
Interestingly, the strong limit between friendship and romantic relationship has been bent a little – and by sex.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Sgyreju's Questioning Week: Day 5 Relationships


Very often, people use the word “relationship” to refer to romantic relationships – just as they use the word “love” to refer to romantic love. It rather annoys me to see those words trapped into one of their specific meanings, especially as this specific meaning is not one I can relate to. So, be warned – in this blog, “relationship” refers to all kinds of relationships, and “love” refers to all kinds of love.

Monday, July 18, 2011

Sgyreju's Questioning Week: Day 4 Love


I did not always identify as aromantic.
For a long time, I did believe in the whole romantic myth that one is truly happier with a romantic partner, and I wished for one. I longed for the time when I would finally live those idealized shared moments with my beloved: having breakfast together, taking long walks hand in hand, talking about everything and anything for hours, kiss passionately like in my favorite love scenes in movies…

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Sgyreju's Questioning Week: Day 3 Sex


Sex is a complex matter. It is hard to define – for some people, only genital penetration counts; for others, anything involving someone’s genitals is sex. It also has several meanings: an expression of romantic love, a fun activity, a way to experience pleasure, a way to prove one’s worth… and many more. Some use it as a means of pressure (withholding sex in punishment or offering sex as a reward in order to obtain something), while others plan strategies to obtain it.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Sgyreju's Questioning Week: Day 2 Questioning Your Identity Is Good for You


I will not lie to you: Questioning one’s identity is scary.
The evening of June 4, 2006, when I finally became aware that I probably was not heterosexual as I had always assumed, and the night that followed were, at the time, the scariest moments of my life. Now, four years later, they have only been pushed to second place by another evening that I do not want to talk about (and anyway, it has nothing to do with asexuality or any of the other matters that I wish to discuss in my Petri Dish).

Friday, July 15, 2011

Sgyreju's Questioning Week: Day 1: What Exactly Happened on June 4, 2006


Since today is the fourth anniversary of the evening during which I realized I needed to reconsider my assumed and never questioned heterosexuality, I thought I might as well tell the story of what exactly happened then.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Sgyreju's Questioning Week

I've been wanting to do this for a long time. For the next week,every day, starting tomorrow, I'll be featuring a number of posts that I read a long time ago from Rainbow Amoeba's Petri Dish . She called it Questioning Week.  They really inspired me, so much so that I started my very own Questioning Week inspired by the series of post I'm going to share with you during the coming week

So a little history; Sgyreju had just moved her blog to a new site and was also celebrating the 4th Anniversary since the evening in her own words
"during which I realized I needed to reconsider my assumed and never questioned heterosexuality, I thought I might as well tell the story of what exactly happened then."

At the time she identified as asexual. But after questioning herself a little more she dropped the asexy tag and refuses to identify with any groupas she feels it limits here. I trust all of you will enjoy her work, she's a really talented writer and one of my favourite bloggers. Check her out starting tomorrow! Peace!!

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

My blog was nominated for...


...the Storymoja Monthly Blog Posts Expo. Yeah I was nominated along with a host of other more talented writers such as Savvy Kenya. Yeah someone considered my writing to be at the same level of Savvy!! Yeah I'm feeling rather good about myself right now. You can read about the nomination here, doesn't seem like there's any prize to be won though.

Here's what was said about the nominees

"...today, all I wish to celebrate like we have every month on the Storymoja Writers’ Community, is the diversity of writing and the creativity of forming that can be found on the Kenyan blogosphere.

Now some of the blog posts I found are fiction, some are opinion editorial, some are more personal writing. Some of the posts were nominated by readers, others I just stumbled upon and loved."
Yeah I'm creative or at least that's what this nomination means for me. I'm jazzed!! If you're the one who nominated me thanks!!! Peace!!

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

I have Commitment Phobia

I've recently come to the conclusion that I'm commitment-phobic. I couldn't believe it, it's something that has been having a subtle effect on all my relationships. I'm calling it subtle because I didn't notice it but I'm thinking someone else may have.

I've always complained of how I don't have a girlfriend and to realise that I've been sub-conscientiously sabotaging my own chances makes me laugh. Anyway so I did some research into it (Google/Wikipedia of course). The description I've written below is interspersed with commentary from me with how what I've written best describes me and how I've seen it in my life. These comments will be in brackets so don't skip to the end hoping to see what I'm thinking.

First before I tell you what I found let me first do a little attribution to me sources. Since I'm blogging from email I'm putting the full page urls. Fear of Commitment on Wikipedia. Commitment Phobia on www.anxietymatters.com. I used these two pages because anymore would be too many for me to read, also the where the top pages when I googled "Commitment Phobia".

A phobia is similar to a fear in that the mind perceives there to be a threat. The difference is, that in a phobia, the level of anxiety felt is disproportionate to the actual threat. So commitment phobia is a mechanism put in place by the brain to protect us from something that -for some reason-, it has misjudged the threat of.
The term commitment phobia was coined in the popular self-help book Men Who Can't Love in 1987. While popular media has made it seem that it only affects romantic relations it can affect any part of someone's life that requires a long time obligation such as work and school. Since on this blog post I meant commitment phobia on a romantic level that's what I'm going to concentrate on.

Commitment phobic people claim that they are eager to find a lasting romantic attachment, yet they fail to find appropriate partners and maintain long lasting connections.(Defines me perfectly) Ironically, in these romantic relationships, the commitment phobic partner craves what he/she fears most: love and connection. This paradoxical craving for a frightening reality leads to a confusing and destructive pattern of seduction and rejection. The results are emotionally devastating. (I can't say I'm emotionally devastated but I can imagine the other parties in my potential relationships may have been)

It should be said that there are as many possible causes of commitment phobia as there are people suffering from it. That's because each of us have different experiences as we grow so no two people can ever be the same. However there are some things that appear common in most cases. People with commitment phobia in adulthood, have often experienced one or more of the following experiences in their earlier years.
-A significant loss or bereavement
-A childhood trauma
-Parental separation (This may be the major cause for me. My parents have been divorced for the last 6 years or so, which is, coincidentally the last time I can say I was in a relationship)
-Unpleasant step-parents
-Poor role models (I don't look at my dad, as the man in my life, as a good role model for personal relationships)
-Abuse of one form or another during the formative, childhood years.

The symptoms of commitment phobia are wide and varied, and are only really limited by the imagination of the commitment phobic person themselves. Commitment phobia symptoms often appear as a sudden feeling of uncertainty, and sometimes the feeling of being trapped in the relationship. Such feelings are rooted in fear—fear of lost options or fear of making poor decisions. The commitment phobic mind sees decisions as permanent, opening the possibility of being caged or trapped.

Many commitment phobic people become fantasy-driven, using their active imaginations to fill in for the lack of emotional security and closeness in their lives. These fantasies pose additional problems because no potential partner can ever live up to the fantasy. Commitment phobic people are also prone to self-destructive behavior, such as walking out on partners. (Yeah this is so very true, in my experience, you build such a perfect fantasy of what you're looking for that no one can ever live up to that vision. More than that is that you suddenly get scared that if you get into a relationship this mythical perfection you've come up with will appear-or at the very least, someone better than who you're with- and you can't get out of the relationship you're in.)

One potentially misleading aspect of commitment phobic behavior is that the partner who is actively running away from commitment is the only one with a problem. In fact, commitment phobic behavior includes "settling" for inappropriate partners, pursuing unattainable partners, and engaging in instant relationships as well as fleeing from what might have appeared to be a stable romance. Any persistent behavior that actively prevents a person from making a commitment or allows a person to make excuses for not having made a commitment can be considered commitment phobic.

So there you have it as a definitive a description to can get on commitment phobia anywhere. I'm currently trying to get over my phobia one small step at a time. Any tips you may have on how you've dealt with your fears or you just want to share your experience be sure drop a line in the comments.(Or email me) I'd be most appreciative! Peace!!!

Monday, July 4, 2011

Dealing with platonic relationships with the opposite sex

This post is inspired by some tweets I saw in my timeline by shee_wanjiku. She was complain that one of her friends, a dude, didn't understand that she just wanted a platonic relationship and not anything else. She was saying that dudes need to realize that just because a chic is nice to them it doesn't mean she wants to jump your bones. There's also I heard somewhere on TV "There's no way a dude and a chic can be just friends" a dude told his date. I thought I talk about these things but in relation with what I've experienced myself.
I've said severally here that I'm someone who really enjoys the company of girls infact I can as far as saying that I have more girl than boy friends. I'm not entirely sure why that is. I'm by far more selective of my guy friends. I think it's an ego thing I get from the company of girls.
LOL!!
[http://www.suitqaisdiaries.com/]

So in all my interactions I've become aware of one thing. If I hang out with a girl for long enough I'll eventually, at some time, develop feelings for the girl. I only came to this realization recently and I've been blown away by it. It explains a lot that I didn't previously understand. I doubt if girls feel the same though but I can't be sure.

With this realization has come insight into my platonic relationships with my girl friends. If I don't want to develop feelings for these girl I shouldn't hang out with the for prolonged periods of time. But that can't work because despite what feelings beyond friendship I feel for these girls I genuinely enjoy spending time with these girls. So what's to be done.

Suppression. I mean I need to become aware of these feelings before they lead me to do something stupid, like making a move that will ruin a friendship with extreme awkwardness and embarrassment. Realising these feelings I should make an active effort not to let them, and their attendant thoughts, overwhelm my conscience. This seems like the best course of action, of course I'm welcome to suggestions so sound off in the comments.

This doesn't mean that you shouldn't make advances on your girl friends I'm just giving what to me seems a viable way to avoid ruining your friendships with girls. I'll leave you with some advice that a good girl friend of mine gave my while in school "If you think you may wanna hit that you'd better persue that, making your intentions clear from the begin than starting out pretending to be friends then trying to get into a relationship!!!"Peace!!

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Why I read so much...

...and how I came to be short-sighted.

why am I talking about these things in the same post? Well It's because one is related to the other. I bet you're wondering how.

When I was younger, much younger than I am now, I'm guessing when I was about 12 and a half, the TV in out house broke. My baby sis, whom I love very much, while in the stage where babies are beginning to walk using other objects as support, was leaning against the TV and pushed it over.

I wasn't there when it happened but that single event had a massive effect onn my life. At the time my parents didn't have enough money to replace the TV (It was a very cash strapped time in all our lifes) so we stayed without one for over a year.

Since we didn't have a TV, it fell upon me to find other ways to entertain myself when I got back from school. I spent a lot of time trolling the school library for Hardy Boy books. I read the entire series-the original one-and even some of the new ones.

What has all this got to do with why I now wear glasses now? Well when I finally got into reading Hardy Boys, a couple of friends and I used to compete on who would read the most books. This lead me to do a book a night! It's probably also the reason I can read I read much faster than most people.

However in the beginning I would still have a chapter or two to go when my bed time would came. So I'd leave the door to my room open so that I could use the light from the corridor to read my books.

Unfortunately this light wasn't very bright so it caused me to squint when reading and so I slowly spoilt my eyes this way. After more than 6 months reading like this I couldn't see the classroom board even if I sat in the front.

I don't regret that my eyesight deterioated becausse of books. The pleasure I derived from the books I read and the knowledge I continued and continue to get from them continues to feed my soul. Sounds like non-sense I know but books are the one thing I can always turn to to take my mind of things. to emmerse myself in someone else's thoughts and escape reality for a little bit. Peace!!!

Monday, June 27, 2011

Tobiko's dilemma

So I was just watching news at 9 on NTV, first time in maybe in 2 months or so. I feel that watching it is pointless as most of it is political bullshit and the rest depressing. But today two things caught me First the murder of post graduate student, Mercy Keino, who died in rather mysterious circumstances over the weekend. Was actually going to do a post on it until a second story came along.

Keriako Tobiko
Our newly appointed Director of Public Prosecution, Keriako Tobiko, was saying how he needs more money to hire more lawyers to help reduce the backlog of cases that he's newly created office has to deal with. First of let me state that I don't trust him, all those accusations made when he was first nominated, he looks shifty and that accent!! Eww!!

Anyway I was wondering why he couldn't just turn to the the private lawyers in this country to do some of the work pro-bono at least until the case load gets under control. I mean anything to get the case load under control right. . I don't know if the law allows it though but it seems to me a great idea. What do y'all think? Let me know in the comments. Peace.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Random update


It's been so long since I've updated this blog, I don't know what's wrong with me. The psych to do anything has been at nil recently. I can't seen to find the psych to do much other than look at what other people are doing. I check into twitter only to watch the tweet stream not to contribute.

I went for Bake happy hour quite sometime back and was inspired to statrt blogging by seeing all those bloggers gather. I didn't really keep that promise to myself did I? Perhaps I should make a resolution to start doing so. You can read all about Bake here on Savvy's blog.

I should warn you all before I leave, if I'm going to be updating this blog more often I'll be writing about pretty mundane stuff. Of course I’ll be try make stuff as interesting so you don’t pass out reading what I have to say.Also I'm think that if I'll going to be blogging as regularly as I plan to I can't be putting images in every post.

I know how images are there to hold the reader but since I'll be too lazy to go to a cyber I'll be working from my phone most times and it's functionality is rather limited. I'm looking forward to bring back more regular updates to this blog if only for deadly_halo who seems to have missed me!;)